Dec.11th
Ahh --let me paint the scene. I am sitting here in "Woojie-world." A garden area alongside the Win-gate clubhouse which is is almost directly across the street from my house. It is teeming with lizards. (Until we arrive, at which point they scatter and hide.) Willow is moving from tree to tree hoping to get lucky (Won't happen. I shall, however, assist her momentarily by banging a sturdy palm-piece against the trees.) I am typing on my ASUS transformer connected to the internet through some mystery Netgear router, fortuitously unsecured. I have music (sounding real good) from my Creative, X-Fi, FLAC player paired to a Cy-fi (no relation) bluetooth speaker which is shaped like a large teardrop and fits perfectly in my t-shirt pocket. It's 74 and sunny. (On Dec. 14th!) At this moment "Edward Sharpe" (Alexander Ebert) is whining that he has to leave L.A.. Pachelbel's "Canon in D" played prior. (From an album entitled: Pachelbel's Greatest Hit" which contains various interpretations of the "Canon in D" -- Willow is calling -- let me get my stick --brb.
Whoa! We saw (and briefly pursued) a gecko. Only the third I've seen in the eight months I've been in exile here.) They are a highly preferable lizard species to hunt as they are approx. half as fast and are bright green ta boot. Not that either attribute (detraments for the gecko) helped us to make today its' gruesome last.
Lizard hunting is an art. These creatures are cunning and impossibly quick. At times faster than the human eye can track. (These human eyes anyway.) They have dexterous hands with creepy human jointed fingers with which, after astounding leaps they may use to instantly change directions by grabbing an edge and swinging underneath with proto-simian precision. They are scary smart. They seem to know the perfect angles needed to to elude me. I swear they have vanished right in front of me. They adapt quickly. New evasion strategies are quickly adopted by all. As if they somehow broadcast the most effective maneuvers. My suspicions of their communicative propensities was corroborated after I accidentally exposed a partially burned section of leaf that was wedged in the hollow junction formed by the"shaggy-palm's" lattice-work trunk.
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| Shaggy Palm |
Here it is in its' entirety:
From the Royal (Shaggy) Palm of Lizard-King Jim
Here-ye loyal subjects!
Following is an official decree from the most revered and extolled Lizard King Phil.
A (quasi) danger has befallen our realm in the form of a loud, hairy and obnoxiously persistent grey monstrosity and its awkward bipedal (and balding) companion that carries a large, golden, banging-stick. Please assemble your neighbors, read, commit to memory and immediately destroy this notice. (As we can not leave these leaves around as evidence of our advanced cognitive abilities.)
Should you indeed suffer the misfortune of being approached by these creatures you are strongly advised to shelter in place. Do not let your curiosity get the better of you. Keep your heads (and tails) about you by keeping them down. Be assured, that aside from their ludicrously unwieldy size they are in all respects unremarkable and not worth further investigations. The tooled bipedal companion, however, does seem to possess a rudimentary intelligence. Do not be lulled by it's vacant glare. The inclination to not consider these buffoonish beings a "clear and present" threat, though understandable, may prove an egregious error.
The good news: evasion is not only achievable but, pretty much, guaranteed. To assist in achieving the most beneficial outcome, I have assembled and convened the "Grey-Monstrosity Royal Evasion Task-Force" the findings of which are presented herein and designate several proven and approved strategies which you will do well to follow; minimizing the already negligible chances of meeting an inauspicious and violent end. (Note: These evasion tactics shall be appended as new (or refined) strategies are developed, tested and approved.)
1) "Frick the Stick!" If the biped's stupid stick is not in imminent danger of wounding you -- don't move. Do not be panicked by the incessant banging. It is utilized to promulgate fear and cause you to abandon your shelter and flee. If you are visible, you are vulnerable! Remember, shelter in place.
2)When Hope You Lack, Feign Attack! For whatever reason, the biped will not hit us directly with the stick -- he uses it merely to corral and shepherd us towards the grey-monstrosity. Utilize this weakness against them by counter intuitively, leaping at, or upon, the biped. (No, seriously!) This will, most likely, cause it to drop the stick and flail wildly as you drop to the ground and hightail it beneath the nearest plant. During the final phase of this maneuver be cautious of the biped's stomping feet.
3) Utilize the "270 Up" -- Your tree is your friend. Neither the bulbous biped nor the grey monstrosity can circumnavigate at the speed all but the most elderly of our kind is capable of. If you have been exposed and the stick is near you, continue laterally (at 2/3 speed) while maintaining an approximately 30 degree incline around your tree. When at the 270 degree mark (or 3/4 of the way from the point at which you start; make a full speed vertical dash (90 degree) toward your tree top. Your position upon shooting vertical will usually, (but not always,) coincide with a point almost directly above the grey-monstrosities head) Do not slow, do not look back.
4) "Panic, No! Instead, Go Low!" In the unlikely event the biped has succeeded in driving you within striking distance of the Grey-monstrosity. Don't panic, go low. Believe it or not, the best place to escape the beast is to place your self directly beneath it. Scary, yes; but an effective escape strategy. The beast is easily confused. It pounces and almost always overshoots, permitting us to exit from beneath it's foul, mid-section-bulge while it is busily snorting through the empty dirt beneath it's front limbs. Note: occasionally it does not overshoot. Last week we sadly lost a royal subject from Duke Eli's palm; his torso violently twisted at an impossible angle to his lower extremities, and to whose family I extend my deepest royal condolences and the King's blessings.
5) Lizards Don't Cry! If you have made the fatal error of fleeing to an open area and you are cornered, exposed and exhausted -- don't cry. We are lizards. Lizard's don't cry. (The fact that we don't have tear-ducts is beside the point!) Please show some restraint and do not throw your tails! Nothing says impotent ruler more than subjects running around with little stumps where their lovely tails should be. Not to mention the steep physical toll incurred by regeneration. Instead, go limp. The Grey monstrosity will take you in it's mouth and may indeed puncture your body. The smell and heat are as excruciating as is the possible pain. However, many of my subjects have survived this encounter. Here's how: it will most likely carry you over to the grass. The beast will at this point put you down in the grass with the intent of reliving it's initial strike and thrill of capture. (Beast!) At the moment of release you must remain perfectly still -- but only for a moment. When you feel the heat of it's fetid breath diminish, immediately burrow yourself down into the roots of the grass with arrow like focus, form and precision. Do not use your limbs but keep these pressed firmly against your sides as they may snag against a root and prevent your deepest penetration. Utilize a side to side writhing form like our cousins the legless serpents. Continue moving at the deepest possible level. Then, move laterally towards cover in brief two to four inch bursts between twenty second periods of complete immobility.
It is the opinion of your King and his Royal council that these assaults can not continue indefinitely and we may some day, perhaps soon, be free of these unprovoked assaults; able to once again resume our peaceful existence. However, in the meantime, know that your Sire and Lord and has been regularly meeting with his most wise and trusted advisers and consults with the goal of devising some effective countermeasures for use against these foul creatures.
My blessings and prayers I now extend upon all my subjects in these trying times!
Your Kind and Caring King -- Phil
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| A Grain Of Rice |
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