78% Of Orlando Drivers SUCK!

Orlando? We Have A Problem!

I’m going to go out on a limb here with my second blog and risk alienating even more folk than I did with my previous (quasi) poetic introduction to the HypeOrlando blogosphere. But even if I alienate 50% of the masochists who came back for seconds – I’ll still have three readers moving forward, so let’s get to it!

Orlando recently received the dubious distinction of being the least safe city in America for pedestrians and cyclists. Unfortunately, it’s also our fourth year in a row. (Minimally fourth. I could only stomach checking back through 2011 before becoming to queasy to continue.) It is, unquestionably, past time to discuss, criticize and (hopefully) educate regarding Orlando’s aggressive, distracted, sloppy, lazy and ultimately, dangerous-to-the-point-of-deadly, driving practices.

Problem #1: Distracted Driving. This one is going to give me a stroke. I cannot begin to fathom what kind of serious mental disorder affects those who believe that they are perfectly within their “rights” -- to get out on the road in a several ton mass of machinery, the entire range of motion of which being their principle responsibility to direct from moment to moment; while similar machines (of similar deadly mass) maneuver all around from various directions and at varying speeds –  while they stare down at a tiny screen, typing tiny letters on a tiny-ass keyboards! OMG, WTF?!?! I mean what else is there to say, except, why do I see so many people doing it?! Watch the heads around you when you pull up to a light and see how many chins drop down…including (I’ll wager) yours!

Solutions (#1): Disable texting on all phones while the GPS shows the phone is in motion.

Q. But what if I am only a passenger in the car? Why shouldn’t I be allowed to text?
A. God forbid you should actually take the time to talk to Mom and/or Dad as they graciously drive you to your dance class.

Q. But we’re meeting friends and need to coordinate the rendezvous.
A. Rendezvous this -- meathead!,  Use Bluetooth and call.

Q. What’s to prevent me from just turning off the GPS altogether?
A. When GPS (2.0) is “off” the GPS (2.0) system will not track your precise location but will continue to
monitor whether or not you are in motion. So there! G’head, turn it off! (Now somebody needs to invent GPS 2.0)

The Navdy HUD display projects your smartphone apps on the windshield. Love this promotional picture;

could they have picked a more dangerous road to partially obscure? Imagine it in the rain, at night… your
Mom staring at you from somewhere on the road ahead – water dripping down her face.

                                   
Side note: The new Crowd funded "Navdy" Heads Up Display seeks to address distracted driving by placing your distractions directly in your line of vision. We have a problem people. We are obviously overstimulated to the point of mass insanity. I’ll call it: “Infosanity!TM” Instead of working to modify and control our, obviously, obsessive and dangerous behaviors, we invent new technologies as a workaround/crutch for our addictions. Nice.

Problem #2: oblivious drivers: We are the proud (and blessed?) denizens of the most visited city in the country. With 57 million visitors in 2013, many of the vehicles sharing our roads are from out of state. Many of these states (including most parts of our own) do not contend with anywhere near the roadway intricacies (chaos) that people find once they are here.

Observe: A 9 car grouping. The first two cars are doing a tad over twenty in a forty-five mph zone and, of course, driving right alongside one another. The driver in the left lane (driver 1) has slowed to allow his family gawk-time at a pair of large grey birds with red heads, driver 2 is looking (and looking…) for the upcoming turn-off to their resort area. (It’s ¾ of a mile away.) Drivers’ 5 and 8 are doing this seriocomic, stop-go, lane-change- dosey-doe (obviously, frustrated and trying to figure out which lane might open up first.) While drivers 4, 6, 9 are elderly and thinking everyone is a crazed idiot moving way too fast. Driver 9, clutches at his heart as he watches 8, with only inches to spare dart in front of 7 (thereby successfully assuming the 7 mantle.) causing new 8 to break suddenly and poor ol’ 9 (still 9) just behind him, to gasp as tail-lights flare, hand moving to his chest -- while continuing to be annoyed about the chubby Asian man who ludicrously picked the high money answers first, in search of Daily Doubles, winning three Jeopardies in a row – oh, brake! (Too late gramps!) In case you were wondering (though I doubt it,) driver 3 is checking out Ian Somerhalder’s latest (ghost) tweet.

While I could have placed this group in the “distracted” category. However, it’s not just their distractions that makes them such road nuisances, it’s their mindset. They seem to believe that since they are on vacation and because they see so many others on vacation (in all the varied spots they are visiting) that Orlando is not only a “magical city” (which it is) but a magic city – where everyone, everywhere is on vacation. Of what practical use are order, discipline and common-sense when you are on vacation! Yup. Deli(ti)riously oblivious.

Also in this category and this is going to get me in trouble – are the elderly. There are three types of elderly drivers: 1) Capable (but dangerous) 2) Confused (and deadly) and 3) Comatose (glimpsed peripherally, appearing as black hooded figures with scythes jutting out from their hearse windows.)

Solutions (#2): Firstly, we need to amplify our patience quotient. Secondly, we have to abandon the polite southern discipline of not using the horn. The horn is there for a reason peepo and for a monotone uberfart it can actually be quite expressive. A quick double tap on the horn can be a friendly “Thanks!” or “Hey, look out!” A slightly longer, single honk: “Wake-up! The lights changed.” Or a little longer still: “Jeez, they’re only Sandhill Cranes! Go stare at Princess Elsa -- Michigan dork! And of course my fave the “Brooklyn Bomber:” leaning on the sucker for about 4 seconds. (No interpretation necessary.) Ahhhh… so therapeutic! (Even just writing about it is like opening a pressure valve.) Finally, for the solution to the elderly dilemma. (The Logan’s Run “fix” is out; mainly because I would have been incinerated 18 years ago.) Hmmm… perhaps we should begin with more caring families/friends/neighbors who call their elderly parents/grandparents/friends more often to ask if they can get them anything from the store (even if this means they have to bring it to them and spend thirty minutes “gasp!” speaking with the codgers.) Perhaps more shuttle services from medical parks and doctor’s offices. Hey! How about a delivery/car service particularly designated for use by the elderly and subsidized by the municipal government! (Call it “Car Wise.” They’ll feel smart using it!) Failing any (or all) of the aforementioned, how about this: road tests every two years after 65 (70?). Booyah! Solved!

Problem #3: Lack of Driving Skills. “Skills” being a rather broad term requiring elaboration: (but only tangentially subjective) By “skills” I mean: an aptitude not only for maneuvering the vehicle and operating it with a proficiency that not only improves the safety of yourself and your passengers, but increases the safety of everyone else in your immediate vicinity as well. This is a learned ability and requires being keenly aware of the intentions, and positions of pretty much everything that is currently moving around you; not only at the current moment but for any moment in the next 3 – 10 seconds. This requires gauging not only the physical (and mental) intentions and conditions of the other drivers and vehicles around you but taking into consideration other overlying conditions (i.e. weather, pedestrians, bicyclists, the stability of the cargo on a truck, etc.) that currently affect your immediate and upcoming vicinities. (That’s right, you’ll need to look ahead!) And integrating all these together, continuously and repeatedly, for the entire duration of the drive. (Kind’a like God recreating the entire universe every microsecond… but on a significantly less grand scale.) Unfortunately, it seems very few drivers are willing (or capable) of acquiring these (semi-)complex mental acrobatic skills. But there are methods by which you can “fake” them.

My Next Blog will continue to explore this traffic theme and tell the story of Orlando’s Greatest driver: The legendary Walker Sloan. I will also include a handy set of rules delineating how you too can become a bad-ass driver.