Questions/Conclusions
How do you say goodbye to the only people that matter?
Just pack up the junk and leave the most important stuff behind?
How could I be marginalized by the only people in the world I have to love?
I matter so little.
Especially when I really didn't do anything wrong --
Except, perhaps, not accomplishing enough that was right.
How can she think that I don't adore her?
Or if she does know, not care that I do?
Did I not always meet her with a smile, caress her with true affection and tenderness,
Care for her tirelessly, quite perfectly, when she was hurt or ill?
Did we not, endlessly, resuscitate each other -- in "Borderlands?"
Kneel beside each other flush with Christ, souls a'soarin' after Eucharist?
What made her decide she knows better than God,
And reduce Sacrament to capricious whim?
Why should I lose everything I worked for and cared about for over a decade?
With nothing to show for it except a wounded heart?
This is my home too, damn it!
Where do I go from here?
Is nothing and no one preferable to the company of (pen)ultimately-wonderful me?
Maybe I'm not nearly as wonderful as I believe...
Nah -- she's just gone nuts.
Here's the plan:
- Pack up everything I own somehow... I have tubs! (Gonna need more.) It's a little more complicated than it seems as I had an accident 3 years ago that is still causing a few, not inconsiderable, "limitations." ( That's for a future Blog -- for those keeping track -- that's the Ouija board story and "The Accident" I may eventually share.)
- Get a couple of "friends" to help me load up a U-Haul. (Darn, too late to make some! Guess I can pay people.)
- Have them drive the truck down while I drive myself and the dog. I haven't decided if I should take both dogs. (Crystal says it's up to me.) I don't think my daugger (Willow) would care one way or another; they hardly acknowledge each other's existence. The piss-Yorkie (obviously a breed) has been a royal-pain since day-one with it's indiscriminate, nitrogenous discharges-- I remember the day Crystal called me from her office: "Honeeeey..." she crooned, "How much do you love me?" So came into our home one adorable, somber "Raisin-Cain." He of equally stout heart as stature. The "raisin" was soon dropped and "Cain" (or, as I often call him: "Little Guy;)" spent the next 6 years obliviously pissing on everything and anything and seemingly despising me in our endless "alpha" jockeying. He recently developed severe allergies -- which took nearly 6 mos. to get under control. (A "cure" that is probably only temporary as steroids have limited efficacy.) It must also be understood that I am not merely the dog's primary care-giver, I am pretty much their sole caregiver... and because I am the "villain" that needs to repeatedly wash, trim, cut nails and administer medicines -- I'm not his favorite person. (You would think the feeding would make up for it.) However, Cain sure does loves his mama -- for that matter, so does Willow. I guess I'm going to have to explain to her that Mama, "Bubba" and "little guy" went with the angels to see Jesus." I'm not looking forward to that (one sided) conversation. How do people with actual children cope? How hard that must be! I consider myself almost fortunate. Although, I'm pretty sure that if Crystal was able to have children we would have had at least two by now and none of this would be happening. Then-again, as she is experiencing a metanoia of her own -- if we did have kids this al could have been much, much worse.)
- Get back to work, and stop feeling sorry for myself.
Alright -- not much of a plan -- but it's what I've got. I've decided to leave "Little Guy" with his mom. And if he doesn't adjust well I'll come and get him. ) At least that will minimize the piss damage in the Orlando home as a lot of the tubs (targets) will be put-up prior to the determination of whether or not he needs to be with me. (There isn't any question with Willow -- she's all I have left -- and we're "beings-entwined." (Whatever that means.)
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