After we stopped trying to get pregnant and began the adoption process, sex became obsolete and at times I would joke about being able to be a nun, but I really felt inside that I was undesired, unattractive and not loved for who I am…as a wife, a partner and a lover. Yeah, my bad; although I can't take the entire blame. I can't count the number of times you would come home and I would be there wanting to give you a hug or a kiss and you would turn away -- and give your "terrible" -breath or having to pee as a reason to quickly move away -- this was hurtful and it went a long way towards conditioning me to not even try.(But I kept trying anyway.) Not to mention (though I will) you used to pleasure me in other ways -- I think that stopped soon as I gave you an engagement ring... so you are not blameless in these matters. For me spiritual closeness and general togetherness/sharing was always more important and gratifying. (Puerto Rican or not.) You would say that all I had to do was “ask for it”, but I knew it was only words, as I had asked for “it” in the past and you never responded, only rejected me again and again with different excuses. (I'm not physically comfortable with myself. Sheesh.) And I was jealous every time you would look at other women, which was regularly, or comment on them. Well, sincerest apologies for that. (Seriously, I feel badly about it.) However, if a talking fish was placed on the banks of a stream do you not think it would say: "Oh dear! That water sure does look inviting! Throw me in! Throw me in!" Actually, poor analogy; maybe kind of a funny one but not entirely accurate. How about: an Art History Major that had never been to a museum and suddenly finds himself in front of a Rembrandt or Botticelli. Would he not cry out in astonishment and awe?! Nope, that doesn't work to well either. Alright -- I'm just an insensitive, abusive, pig. ) You joked that the remote is stuck when the Victoria Secret commercials come on, knowing that they bother me. Oh please. If we didn't have a DVR and couldn't skip trough commercials, what then?! You know that I catch you leering at other women as we drive around or go places and you simply laugh it off to being a “Puerto Rican Male”. (True?!) Excuses or not, it hurts. You made me feel inferior.
(Sorry, In quite a similar fashion to how I am keenly aware (sensitive) to sonic creativity (or a lack, thereof.) I am "alert" to the supremely unique and entirely beguiling "art" that is the feminine form. You can say I should have control of this,
but I don't. It truly feels like it's on a cellular level. "Leering" at a woman implies an underlying sexual yearning. I do not "leer" I respect and honor women (whether they desire/deserve it or not.) I admire, not desire with these furtive glances of (mostly) chaste appreciation. I look at pretty-much everything with a sense of wonder and appreciative awe -- a pond, a cactus, a turtle, an ant hill... it's my artistic nature.
I can't turn that off. I just find women the most interesting and complex objects of beauty the world offers. I've often looked at you that way as well. When you are sleeping or just sitting on the sofa but your own insecurities keep you from being aware of this. And when I looked at you it was with a profound sense of love and responsibility for you. Oh well.) Your desire to want to look at others in a sexual way would tear into my insecurities a little more each time this happened. I wondered why you married me and not the Asian women you look at, not the skinny women you comment on. Why me? What made you want to marry me? I asked you this before and you gave me no comment. When you asked me this recently, I said to you "Because you are you." -- I thought this was as profound an answer as anyone could hope to receive in response
to this question --a Kwai Chang Caine aphorism. (Y'know, from "Kung Fu?") Obviously, you took it to be a "non answer."
but I don't. It truly feels like it's on a cellular level. "Leering" at a woman implies an underlying sexual yearning. I do not "leer" I respect and honor women (whether they desire/deserve it or not.) I admire, not desire with these furtive glances of (mostly) chaste appreciation. I look at pretty-much everything with a sense of wonder and appreciative awe -- a pond, a cactus, a turtle, an ant hill... it's my artistic nature.
I can't turn that off. I just find women the most interesting and complex objects of beauty the world offers. I've often looked at you that way as well. When you are sleeping or just sitting on the sofa but your own insecurities keep you from being aware of this. And when I looked at you it was with a profound sense of love and responsibility for you. Oh well.) Your desire to want to look at others in a sexual way would tear into my insecurities a little more each time this happened. I wondered why you married me and not the Asian women you look at, not the skinny women you comment on. Why me? What made you want to marry me? I asked you this before and you gave me no comment. When you asked me this recently, I said to you "Because you are you." -- I thought this was as profound an answer as anyone could hope to receive in response
to this question --a Kwai Chang Caine aphorism. (Y'know, from "Kung Fu?") Obviously, you took it to be a "non answer."
I know you felt/feel as if I rejected you too, because I simply stopped caring about touching you, kissing you and hugging you. Your rejection of me became my rejection of you. It was becoming a vicious cycle. Neither of us was receiving the “love language” we needed. What language is that? Do you mean the "coitus" language? Well, I am a lot stronger than you obviously -- because, even though I was far more "repressed" (and even if we were equally "repressed.") I place a lot more value in the other aspects of our compatibility. Or I wouldn't have married you. I knew and told you what to expect -- up-front. I needed affirmation and financial security, and you needed touch and attention which didn’t involve sex. See, here's the thing: Crystal was raised from the perspective of being near destitute. Nearly everything her family ever had or used was either handmade or purchased second-hand, from thrift-shops or garage sales. Which is still the case today even though her Father is now a millionaire (perhaps, multi-millionaire) -- (And no, I had no idea about this when we were married.) So while this has made Crystal particularly responsible with her money she is equally as insecure about it. So when it is "tight" she feels very threatened. As much as I would rather be bringing in enough money to keep her from ever having to feel this way -- I hate the very idea of money. I think of money as a wasteful and valueless controlling device -- used to keep the vast majority of society "slaves" to it's capriciously-valued, acquisition. Evidence: a lawyer can charge $4500.00 for a 25 minute conversation ( and the copying of 50 pages.) Criminal? No. Industrious! Also, consider the endless parade of CEO's with (near) bankrupt companies that load up their coffers before everything is shut-down. (see: Citigroup) Our entire economy -- particularly the "investment" or "speculative" aspect of it in, is actually a vast Ponzi scheme; perfectly evident to someone as deft (or daft!) as I. (There is a reason economists refer to it as the "false economy") A small percentage of people control the resources and their conglomerates manipulate our wants and desires. Additionally, they assure it is nearly impossible to receive "justice" without the (ultra-vast) resources required to even attempt to permeate an impregnable web of legal inscrutabilities. So if financial security does not mean having everything in the world you could possibly want (and usually a higher quality of such, ) having no unmanageable debt and never having to worry about our futures either -- than no, we are not financially secure.
Chris knows you never accepted him as your true son. That you tolerate him and that at times you dislike him, and at times even hate him. I will not touch the Chris issue here. I'm a quasi-saint; let's leave at that. You have told me as much. He has heard from your lips that you don’t consider him your son and that you don’t love him. Utter nonsense -- I do love him (... I just dislike his character more.) Nevertheless, I tell him all the time how talented he is and "Be safe, I love you" -- Didn't help though. ) He has his own issues to work out, but we have not been good for him and his own sense of self-worth. It was either really good or really bad between the two of you and I was always caught in the middle. It was like raising two children, not a husband and a son. I still remember when he was in boy scouts and you were again angry with him about his crying because he didn’t want to go and you hit him in the throat to stop his crying and drove him home without going to the meeting. Again with the throat !! Never happened. (I don't even need to ask Chris about this one! I remember the incident clearly.) He called me a "fucking asshole " in the car on the way somewhere -- not Scouts, as we were going in the opposite direction -- and (whether correct or not) I lost it and slapped him on the side of the head -- no throat involved.) You were barely out of the house and returned. I told you then that you were never to touch him or discipline him again and then you stopped caring about him other than to complain to him or about him. No, I only made hundreds of lunches for him and cleaned his toilet and shower and repeatedly pooped-in underwear (through age 15 ) and drove him to dances and everything else a parent does. He rarely hears praise from your lips and with that, I over compensated for him and praised him or helped him as I felt he didn’t receive enough love from you. ( I am protective of him, I always will be, and I don’t like having to choose between you in arguments. (Bull-shit. Always remember: my encouragement, praise and support -- I attended his every performance -- played a significant part in Chris developing the confidence to choose acting as a major. Of course, he won't thank me when he is receiving his Academy Award -- he is incapable of understanding when gratitude is truly warranted; only perceiving when it is the proper affectation. And if his career choice backfires (which I doubt) -- well, at least he tried; no regrets or wondering "what-if." I certainly didn't encourage him to sabotage him. Only because he is gifted and hard-working.
Note: This last section was highly edited -- because Chris has enough to deal with (being Chris) without any recriminations from this particular dysfunctional parent.
End of Part 3
Chris knows you never accepted him as your true son. That you tolerate him and that at times you dislike him, and at times even hate him. I will not touch the Chris issue here. I'm a quasi-saint; let's leave at that. You have told me as much. He has heard from your lips that you don’t consider him your son and that you don’t love him. Utter nonsense -- I do love him (... I just dislike his character more.) Nevertheless, I tell him all the time how talented he is and "Be safe, I love you" -- Didn't help though. ) He has his own issues to work out, but we have not been good for him and his own sense of self-worth. It was either really good or really bad between the two of you and I was always caught in the middle. It was like raising two children, not a husband and a son. I still remember when he was in boy scouts and you were again angry with him about his crying because he didn’t want to go and you hit him in the throat to stop his crying and drove him home without going to the meeting. Again with the throat !! Never happened. (I don't even need to ask Chris about this one! I remember the incident clearly.) He called me a "fucking asshole " in the car on the way somewhere -- not Scouts, as we were going in the opposite direction -- and (whether correct or not) I lost it and slapped him on the side of the head -- no throat involved.) You were barely out of the house and returned. I told you then that you were never to touch him or discipline him again and then you stopped caring about him other than to complain to him or about him. No, I only made hundreds of lunches for him and cleaned his toilet and shower and repeatedly pooped-in underwear (through age 15 ) and drove him to dances and everything else a parent does. He rarely hears praise from your lips and with that, I over compensated for him and praised him or helped him as I felt he didn’t receive enough love from you. ( I am protective of him, I always will be, and I don’t like having to choose between you in arguments. (Bull-shit. Always remember: my encouragement, praise and support -- I attended his every performance -- played a significant part in Chris developing the confidence to choose acting as a major. Of course, he won't thank me when he is receiving his Academy Award -- he is incapable of understanding when gratitude is truly warranted; only perceiving when it is the proper affectation. And if his career choice backfires (which I doubt) -- well, at least he tried; no regrets or wondering "what-if." I certainly didn't encourage him to sabotage him. Only because he is gifted and hard-working.
Note: This last section was highly edited -- because Chris has enough to deal with (being Chris) without any recriminations from this particular dysfunctional parent.
End of Part 3
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