Well, I think we spewed (more-like, projectile-vomited) just about everything that could be regurgitated involving our "unequally yoked," marriage; As with any good purge, an expulsion of such vitriol (venom: frustration/condemnation) is followed by a measured relief. A renewed vitality and sense of well-being. (Aside, perhaps, from some lingering oral putrescence.) I heartily recommend just such a purposefully interjected "finger" for anyone going through a similarly nauseating life-upheaval.
Hurt, spiteful, ridiculed, diminished (by half) -- we sought-out weaknesses to exploit and cause pain.
Funny how perceived "facts" of once frigid rigidity might resolve themselves into tepid and amorphous mind-puddles under the pressures of such heated diatribe.
She is not a petty person, that's me; I am. A lack of self-esteem/confidence (of a learned/earned maturity) is most likely cause for this particular failing; as well as countless others. I didn't intend to get "mean" -- I hope I don't come across that way. (Angry? Sure.) I meant to convince myself, more-so than "dear reader," that our parting is all for "the better" that there was, indeed, an early and repeated erosion of sound emotional and psychological compatibility indices; left unchecked these unerringly lead from deterioration to dissolution. (Of once shared goals and desires.)
I am deposed and abandoned; disowned, disclaimed, discounted as friend and companion. (Sheesh! This certainly doesn't help with my (real/perceived) depression!)
For the record -- Crystal is a glorious and truly incredible person. (Thus magnifying every aspect of my loss a thousand-fold.) I don't claim this with flippancy. She is, indubitably, a divine force of service, virtue and light in her community and has been for decades. (No exaggeration; we're talking truly heroic here peep-o, in both thought and deed.) As such, she has a earned a vibrant and omni-present support community of (literally) hundreds; compared to myself with a fan-base of one: the omnivorous, wild-child: Willow Angelica. (my silly, too-loving-to-be-"spoiled," Miniature Schnauzer.) That's it. (I.M.H.O. a damned-fine companion -- but still, conversation is, mostly, one-sided.) [Well, there is an overbearing mother and an emotionally distant sister... and at this point, I'll take 'em -- gratefully!] I mention this to explain the psycho-emotional necessity of this blog to reach out to (an, as yet, non-existent) online community -- hoping to make some sincere and supportive connections. W.T.F.? I'm an awesome person too, after-all! And, whoa -- pretty freakin' talented as well! (Hey, who else do I have to stroke me!? I might as well stroke mys--- Doh! That's so wrong...)
I don't want to give the impression that this "pity-party" is evidence of outright culpability -- other than, as previously mentioned, that my lack of a focused and responsible-maturity serves to amplify any ascribed qualities of perceived, unattractiveness. (Wherefore art thou roguish-charm?!!) I am beginning to understand (if not appreciate -- how a centered and responsible adult would be considered a more desirable persona for someone of my experience and station. (Ha-- yeah right! Like that's gonna happen!)
And that's why dear reader -- I find myself at these "as sad, as inevitable" crossroads -- I am simply unable/unwilling to be anything other than what I am. Y'know why? Because I freakin' ROCK! Despite my many failings... I AM PAUL -- and I do aspire to greatness. What do I consider "greatness?" Greatness for me is nothing less (nor more) than being admired and appreciated by a kind (and I hope, occasionally bored.) Creator.
Nevertheless, I'll be the first (well, maybe second) to acknowledge that the implementation of multiple behavioral modifications certainly hold the promise of great benefit for myself and my life. And rest-assured every last one of these shall be thoroughly addressed, implemented and achieved --- eventually... beginning with these dismal procrastinatory tendencies...
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