When we did our marriage prep tests (focus), you stated that sex was important to you and I did too. But you weren’t being honest on this test. You meant it was important to you, but not with me. (Ummm... that was pretty darn honest, woman.) On our wedding night, the night all girls dream of, the fairytale, even that night you didn’t make love to me. You told me you were too tired. (This is 95% true. Weddings are exhausting! We didn't get in until like 2 in the morning. I'm pretty sure that anything less than a Victoria's Secret model (in he work clothes ) would have discounted wedding-night shenanigans. Y'know, even then I might have called it a night. ) And the next morning I felt like hell having to practically beg you to make love to me. We were in that hotel for 3 days and you only made love to me that one time. But still I had hope for what I needed to make me feel like a wife. (You still remember that huh?! Hey I told you, quite explicitly, how it would be before hand. ) In the beginning of our marriage I bought cute teddy’s and clothing that I thought would entice you and make you want to desire me, (Thankfully, don't remember that. ) but we soon found, as you called it, that I was a night romancer and you were a day romancer and with my work schedule, making love together wouldn’t work out.(That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!) Or at least that is how you put it. The fact that I felt like I was begging for sex from you bothered me. I know you don’t remember it as I have mentioned it before, but at one point of begging you simply told me “it isn’t you, it is me and I will let you know when I am ready.” Yeah, I remember. This is totally true. As my complacency (depression?) has grown so has my weight. I am far from comfortable in my own body; a discomfort which is elevated in direct proportion to physical intimacy. I really, really wish it wasn't true. But wishes are for genies! I must make sure this pathetic, flabby, self-loathing era is forever in my past. So, I stopped trying, I stopped touching you and reaching out for you. For you it seemed, cuddling, kissing and holding hands was enough. I needed more than this. I needed to feel desired, wanted, needed, and accepted. I didn’t get these needs fulfilled and still don’t. Holy moley, reign-it-in, girl! I did, and I'm, Puerto Rican! ("Spain" does mean "land of rabbits!" after all. (True dat!)) I haven't had anything close to resembling an enjoyable sexual encounter in at least 15 years. (Note to self: nothing personal!) Marriage isn't about sex -- or more accurately, it certainly wasn't (this go-round) for me. I , gallantly, sacrificed that facet of my earthly existence to be there for you in a thousand other ways. Like taking care of you when you were hurt or sick! Isn't that more important than "getting-off?!" As sanctified by our Church, through Christ, I believe using you for wanton sexual gratification diminishes us both. As well as our spiritual-union. The same might be claimed about resenting you for a situation about which we were both aware of beforehand; thanks to my unflagging honesty based upon sincerest soul searching regarding the matter. Granted, this entire moral-high-ground stance backfired spectacularly; as ignoramus I, failed to consider the long-term ramifications of such prolonged abstinence -- nothing short of madness I tell you -- madness!! ) Besides, if we couldn't have children, there really was no reason to have sex. I am a "proper" Catholic after all. "Catholicism:" far more than a mere brain-washing technique or "cult" designation; is a state of "soul-being." An earthly spiritual shelter (like a giant mud-castle) of dogma and idealism and universal truth; inexorably (and often, justifiably) linked with hypocrisy. But these failings, (all failings) are the purview of man, (as dynamically spurred by the incessant meddling of mischievous "darklings" ) and have no bearing on the Truth to which we are called upon to unceasingly aspire; This said, after eighteen "prime" years wasted -- I'm kind'a re-thinking this whole "celibacy" policy.
I can still remember the shock on your face when I came home from work to find you in the shower and could hear you masturbating. Surpriiiise! What an invasion of privacy that was !! What did you expect after over 10 years, without sex!?!? You ruined it for me too! I'm completely unable to "yank" in the shower anymore! Thanks a lot! And by the way, honestly, that was like the third (maybe fourth) time I did that (in the shower) since we were married! I ripped the shower curtain closed in anger asking you how you could pleasure yourself with water but not with me. Really?! For the record, water and I are only friends. Ivory and I -- well that's another story. (Shamefully, I cheated on Ivory with a curvaceous Ponds bar.) You were angry at me and said I ruined this experience for you. See?! and admitted later that you were unable to do this again because of my attitude. It's true; utterly traumatized! Not that you didn’t continue to pleasure yourself, (Me? Never!) but that you wouldn’t in the shower for fear of getting caught off guard again. Bull-shit! Just traumatized! I fear nothing! (Except butt-rape.) I felt guilty because we discussed before marriage your desire for your own child. (My only desire. Another sacrifice for you.) I remember sitting on the dock, over the sound, on one of your visits talking about children and how you said that adopting isn’t the same as having your own child and that Chris would never be like having your own child. (I will not comment on this. Restraint, Paul!) It was at that point that I agreed and desired to do anything in my power to give you what you wanted. Because I thought that perhaps this would make us closer and make us happier. Uh, this had been thoroughly addressed before we were engaged and you told me that it would just take an operation for you to be able to have children -- which turned out to be a critical miscalculation -- life-devastatingly, critical. This was part of the plan all along! For me, an entirely necessary condition for getting married at all. I had the expensive operation to get my tubes reconnected. (And I worked and took care of you.) I prayed fervently for us to conceive. However, I knew that on our first appointment when the Dr. asked us how we were going to conceive when we weren’t sexually active, that we were going to have a problem. No, duh! But "The Paulster" rises to any occasion! He suggested sex therapy at that point, but we never did anything with it. You found out that your sperm was viable Puerto Rican! (I'm "viable" 'till 87.) and my eggs were quickly dying as I was in my early 40’s. Note to self : next-girl: 25-32 The Dr. said we might try in vitro and he said that even that didn’t hold much success. No he meant that your eggs were not viable. In vitro is highly successful. But we wanted to try the normal way. He told us from the beginning that with my weight and age we only had a 10% chance of getting pregnant. I think he said 5% We still held hope for a miracle. I believe!Trying to get pregnant for me was like being a machine and it certainly wasn’t “normal”. Taking temperatures and attempting to get pregnant only when my ovulation started wasn’t how it should have been done. Even then you didn’t make love to me. "Yes, I did!!" You took matters in your own hands through masturbation and when you were near ejaculation you inserted and then I waited. Doh! It's called "finishing..." We didn't begin that way! Afterwards -- I held your legs up in the air too! God doesn't create babies like that, can’t you understand that? Well, I figured sperm / egg / baby! (And by the way God can create any wat he chooses.) I felt sad and desperate each month that we tried and I would get negative readings. I felt like I was a failure to you and what you desired. I certainly didn't think that -- I just started getting depressed -- that I might never have a little girl that didn't lick herself. I was hormonal and sad most of the time from the drugs they would give me. And as hard as we tried for around 6 months nothing happened. I knew in my heart that I couldn’t give you the one thing you truly desired, a child. Ever think that maybe you were more important to me -- in fact you were... God -- you make me regret the snark. Then the fertility Dr. retired and we quit trying and went on to the adoption process with the state and Catholic Charities for over two years. Yeah, this ass sells us $1800.00 in fertility medication that needed to be administered, at home, intravenously (or maybe subcutaneously.) These arrived by Fed-Ex a few days before our next scheduled appointment. (During which we would be taught all about the proper administration of this drug.) That day, instead of providing any directions/instructions, he announces that he's retiring. I kept it in my refrigerator for three years, because I couldn't stand the thought of throwing $1800 in the garbage and neither could I stomach disposing of my last/best chance to have children with you.
I can still remember the shock on your face when I came home from work to find you in the shower and could hear you masturbating. Surpriiiise! What an invasion of privacy that was !! What did you expect after over 10 years, without sex!?!? You ruined it for me too! I'm completely unable to "yank" in the shower anymore! Thanks a lot! And by the way, honestly, that was like the third (maybe fourth) time I did that (in the shower) since we were married! I ripped the shower curtain closed in anger asking you how you could pleasure yourself with water but not with me. Really?! For the record, water and I are only friends. Ivory and I -- well that's another story. (Shamefully, I cheated on Ivory with a curvaceous Ponds bar.) You were angry at me and said I ruined this experience for you. See?! and admitted later that you were unable to do this again because of my attitude. It's true; utterly traumatized! Not that you didn’t continue to pleasure yourself, (Me? Never!) but that you wouldn’t in the shower for fear of getting caught off guard again. Bull-shit! Just traumatized! I fear nothing! (Except butt-rape.) I felt guilty because we discussed before marriage your desire for your own child. (My only desire. Another sacrifice for you.) I remember sitting on the dock, over the sound, on one of your visits talking about children and how you said that adopting isn’t the same as having your own child and that Chris would never be like having your own child. (I will not comment on this. Restraint, Paul!) It was at that point that I agreed and desired to do anything in my power to give you what you wanted. Because I thought that perhaps this would make us closer and make us happier. Uh, this had been thoroughly addressed before we were engaged and you told me that it would just take an operation for you to be able to have children -- which turned out to be a critical miscalculation -- life-devastatingly, critical. This was part of the plan all along! For me, an entirely necessary condition for getting married at all. I had the expensive operation to get my tubes reconnected. (And I worked and took care of you.) I prayed fervently for us to conceive. However, I knew that on our first appointment when the Dr. asked us how we were going to conceive when we weren’t sexually active, that we were going to have a problem. No, duh! But "The Paulster" rises to any occasion! He suggested sex therapy at that point, but we never did anything with it. You found out that your sperm was viable Puerto Rican! (I'm "viable" 'till 87.) and my eggs were quickly dying as I was in my early 40’s. Note to self : next-girl: 25-32 The Dr. said we might try in vitro and he said that even that didn’t hold much success. No he meant that your eggs were not viable. In vitro is highly successful. But we wanted to try the normal way. He told us from the beginning that with my weight and age we only had a 10% chance of getting pregnant. I think he said 5% We still held hope for a miracle. I believe!Trying to get pregnant for me was like being a machine and it certainly wasn’t “normal”. Taking temperatures and attempting to get pregnant only when my ovulation started wasn’t how it should have been done. Even then you didn’t make love to me. "Yes, I did!!" You took matters in your own hands through masturbation and when you were near ejaculation you inserted and then I waited. Doh! It's called "finishing..." We didn't begin that way! Afterwards -- I held your legs up in the air too! God doesn't create babies like that, can’t you understand that? Well, I figured sperm / egg / baby! (And by the way God can create any wat he chooses.) I felt sad and desperate each month that we tried and I would get negative readings. I felt like I was a failure to you and what you desired. I certainly didn't think that -- I just started getting depressed -- that I might never have a little girl that didn't lick herself. I was hormonal and sad most of the time from the drugs they would give me. And as hard as we tried for around 6 months nothing happened. I knew in my heart that I couldn’t give you the one thing you truly desired, a child. Ever think that maybe you were more important to me -- in fact you were... God -- you make me regret the snark. Then the fertility Dr. retired and we quit trying and went on to the adoption process with the state and Catholic Charities for over two years. Yeah, this ass sells us $1800.00 in fertility medication that needed to be administered, at home, intravenously (or maybe subcutaneously.) These arrived by Fed-Ex a few days before our next scheduled appointment. (During which we would be taught all about the proper administration of this drug.) That day, instead of providing any directions/instructions, he announces that he's retiring. I kept it in my refrigerator for three years, because I couldn't stand the thought of throwing $1800 in the garbage and neither could I stomach disposing of my last/best chance to have children with you.
We tried adoption and it never worked out. Blind children, children with half a brain, She means literally. Speaking of asses: "Mr Martinez? Great news! We have a child for you. A baby. He's 6 months old and a boy!" This, coming over a year after completing our first home survey (which cost $500.00) and 10 weeks of classes. (Another $250.00 per couple.) An additional $500.00 to renew our application after a year... but now, none of that mattered! We finally had a child! It was all about to be totally worth it! Except she continued: "You should know this child has bilateral schizencephaly." -- "Huh, wha'?" (What else do you say?) "It means the baby was born with half a brain Mr. Martinez" My first though was: "He'll still act smarter than Chris." -- What I said, was just as stupid: "Is he functional?" (I mean a beater car is better than no car, right?) "Oh yes, absolutely, he's beautiful but he suffers from prolonged seizures and he will continue to require treatments and monitoring -- there is always the the possibility of a disabling seizure." So, heroically, we went to see this special child and he was beautiful. I held him and I wanted to protect and care for him; more-so because of his spectacularly unfair challenges... there was another family interested and we were asked to commit immediately. This sounds terrible (and perhaps it was) but we were leaving in two days for Europe and were compelled to go as we were the organizers and chaperons for this (mostly) senior excursion... so we let the other couple have the child. From what I hear the poor child was repeatedly, extremely ill. (And I panic when my "woo-choo" has diarrhea -- don't know if I could nave handled that.) .) Not meant to be... (I'll tell myself.) About six months later we received a call about a girl! It was An Indian girl (Not native American, Indian) Oh my God! (or "Oh my-lanta! as Crystal says.) This is it! How gloriously, wonderful! "...you should know, however, Mr. Martinez that this child is blind." (So?! What a blessing to be entrusted with caring for so fragile (and surely blessed in other ways) a creature!) "She was born without eyes Mr. Martinez and cerebral infection is a great risk, but doctors believe with surgery they can create a dermal covering on the sockets. We will pay for any required medical procedures but you'll need to travel to India and retrieve her which will probably cost about 3000 dollars." (F.U., F.U., F.U., F.U.! Ad-infinitum!) And a third: not even born yet -- we met with the young mother-to-be who thought that of all the couples she met, we would be the best parents for her baby. (Obviously, she was smart too!) Then ,just before she gives birth -- she decides to keep the baby and raise it with the help of her foster family. (Grrrrr...) They (being Catholic Charities) called about 3 months later, asking if we could renew our application a second time. Those that were damaged were sent our way, almost as if God knew that we wouldn’t accept them into our lifestyle. No, "swingers" are probably not the best parenting candidates. (What did you mean by "lifestyle?") He had a plan for us both, maybe He knew this day was coming and didn’t want to complicate it. I thought his plan was for us to be together, children or no children, money or no money, elation or depression. Maybe He knew that a baby wouldn’t fix us. I don’t know, but obviously He knew best. (Whatever, I disagree. You are just making an excuse (rationalizing) and imposing your will on God's.) After the two years we attempted to adopt, I convinced myself that God placed the teens in my programs into my life to fulfill my needs and he placed Willow in your life to become your surrogate child. Oh yeah -- a dog is a great surrogate for a child... (What are you on woman?) You can hear it in your voice, your actions, and your words. She is the receiver of your unconditional love in our home. It is sad when I feel jealous of a dog and when I say things like “if you could only talk to me half as nicely as you talk to her” Well, you would probably understand me better. I know that sounds childish and petty, but it is true. And it isn’t just me, Chris too is jealous of her. It’s crazy; really it is to be jealous of a dog. I don't even like that dog. (By the way, this week marks 10 years since God infinitely blessed us with her canine perfection!! Thank you Lord! )
End of Part Two
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