Your desire to be home all the time, to nap in the middle of the day, to do the same routines night after night, day after day; whether it be TV, video games, music or comic books, or just surfing and reading on the internet, at times got overwhelming to me and although I may or may not have said it out loud made me become resentful and slowly it changed me. I am not as joyous as I once was and I painted on my “happy face” for the world to see. Well, jeez! It kind'a sucked for me too! Depression is pretty awful. And I am clinically depressed; according to two psychologists, an M.D. and an NP -- but heck -- let's just ignore that. Then on top of that, dealing with the four operations -- the nearly (over?!?) 200 jobs I applied for (with the "application received" emails to prove it.) The endless drudgery of cleaning floors and washing clothes and putting-up dishes and cleaning bathrooms and mowing lawns (sick or not) -- and managing the trash, cleaning up pet-poop (and pee) and pretty much being alone 75% of the time -- then finally getting 3 hours with you (pure joy) then going through it all over again (Weeee! I'm throwin' a pity-party; attendance of one!) Also, keep in mind that it was during these endless online hours that I began studying social media marketing; spending several hundred hours acquiring the knowledge and skills to excel (eventually) in my new career. I also consistently read WIRED and Pop. Sci., Rolling Stone and E.W. (and Nat. Geo. when I can) and about 20 more varied articles on technology, science and news, daily. I always have a new novel going, and yes, many, many, really great comics from every decade since the 40's . Add that up -- (about 200 - 500 pages of reading) and the housework -- I don't "surf" or use social media -- I mean no chatting or emailing... (except, currently, for work) and along with the chores, you have a very full day. Though, mostly, you seem to be utterly oblivious and have cruelly marginalized this issue with my stomach; it's a lot worse than I let on. I am pretty much in constant pain -- and when I carry the wrong way (or too much) or stretch just a tad too much in the wrong direction -- I have to deal with a considerable increase in the amount of pain for a few hours until it levels off again to it's consistent jagged-ache. Hey, no one ever said it would be easy being a (badly) injured, depressed, (semi)super-genius/house-bitch with a petty, unappreciative, vindictive, absentee wife!) You swallowed the plastic. Times were hard. You are a hypochondriac, I know this, so do you. (Not at all. What you call a "hypochondriac" I call a person who is smart enough to supplement a huge knowledge base with research, in order to learn (better understand) what the heck is actually going on; and never, ever, implicitly, trusting doctors.) You joke about it, but it is true. "Honey", I am nowhere near a "clinical" hypochondriac. If I don't feel well, it means something is wrong --not that I'm "going to die" (though it might possibly be cancer, or even (though, less-likely,) Ebola!) Before I got that cold-bug coming home from Rome -- I hadn't even had a cold for three years! We both gained a lot of weight. We ate away our insecurities or pain. For me food was a source of happiness, something that made me feel secure and in control. I am broken and don’t know why I can’t get on track, I know what to do, but don’t understand why I don’t do it. I am broken and I need healing.(That's for shit-sure! Me too!) You preach about healthy lifestyles and yet you do nothing to improve your own need to lose weight, except making excuses for not being able to exercise. (It's a valid excuse -- my stomach is a great impediment to working out -- I will, necessarily, need to drastically and continually diet.) I have no excuses; I am overweight because I choose to do nothing about it. You are the same but won’t admit it. (Mostly true -- depression and this (direly) messed up stomach -- but still, you're correct. I have the ability to change -- perhaps not alone -- but I am never actually alone.) The Dr. has told you that you must lose weight to have another hernia surgery but I don’t see you doing anything to make this happen. And I am resentful that I have you nagging at me about “eat this, don’t eat that, this has too much of this, this hasn’t got any of that”; it is almost like being married to your mother and I didn’t expect it from you when it is all you hear from her yourself. We have issues with weight, it is that simple. So you're mad at me because I care and have the knowledge to help you -- but not feeling you deserve to be helped (at some deep emotional/psychological level) you rather just be mad at me for caring and trying to help... yup, makes perfect sense! Also you need to realize that all fat is not the same -- you are a diabetic -- I am not. I actually have very healthy blood and organs. (Though I am certainly stressing them (and my joints) due to inflammation and by carrying around the extra weight -- also by not adequately oxygenating my blood. However, my healthy (insulin regulated) organs will bare the stress of my weight a lot longer than yours. Though certainly not indefinitely and besides, I hate being fat.
Then came more operations for your hernias and shoulder, more healing, more time off, more excuses and more resentment from me. Only a "monster-bitch" would resent their loved one's immense (and repeated) suffering! Not that you're one! Your dad got sick. We knew he was going to die and you were going to be with him to help him move on. I admired you for this, because even your mother and sister wouldn’t help him in his time of need. I was angry at them for not helping to make things right for him and to help you. If you ever needed proof of my ability to "step-up" and rise to any occasion -- considering what I accomplished with my Dad, there should be absolutely no further need -- ever! And yet..?!?!? I moved all his possessions cross country -- by myself -- after my stomach injury! No one cared that his bills were there, things needed to be sorted through or that things needed to be taken care of with his estate. That ended up on my shoulders and no one ever asked if they could help or taken over any of the responsibilities. And when I would ask about things with the estate I would get flip or nonchalant answers, as if I was the only one who cared what was being done with the estate. I am utterly paralyzed with frustration, rage and grief , over his death and the handling of the estate. I still am. Not helpful, I know. This would actually be a fine example of a severely contrary circumstance that I am utterly incapable of surmounting if it wasn't also completely out of my hands. Quite infuriating!!
When your father died, I never saw you cry, I still haven’t.(Nope -- transcendent view of transcendence, thank you. As it should be for any Christian. Tears at the loss of a loved-one are, purely, selfish. (Obviously, you can't be crying for them but for the loss of them from your life; selfish. ) Although I am (debateably,) a very selfish person, my selfishness does not extend to regretting or wishing to deny aged or sick loved-ones peace and release. What to me is the ultimate (and joyous) fulfillment of any human's life-arch.) Now, premature or accidental death is an entirely different story. I suspect that I might indeed cry under such horrific circumstances. My theory on death is completely different from yours as I know in my heart how many times I have wept for the loss of Fr. Steve in my life, even now 6 years later, I still cry out to him and for him. I can’t imagine how it will be when my parents die. (You mean your "feelings" on death -- not your "theory." Because if you had a "theory" -- it would, necessarily, be thought-out and not be contrary to what God wants/expects for/from us.) But for you, it is joyous. Yes, it is! You make jokes that he is dead, but I know you miss him. I don't joke that he's dead but about him, being dead -- big difference! I say stuff like: "I talked to my dad today" or "Dad called today." I think of it as "bitter-sweet remembrance, not "joking." I worry that you haven’t mourned the loss of him and it is putting you in this state of depression. Nah, plenty of other reasons for the depression -- and now a wife who (semi-understandably) imploded. Maybe you don’t see you are depressed, but I do. Glad you noticed -- I take back what I said before! You have no friends and don’t desire any, you are content to stay home and be alone and I am the only source of contact you have to share your life with. It is almost as if you live a hermit’s lifestyle and I think this is due to depression about your father. You haven’t worked now for 31 months Wow! That is a long time -- but I have been working! Real work too! Just not for someone else... and not getting paid for it. and that is a long time in anyone’s books. I know you were receiving unemployment for most of that time, but the unemployment was a crutch for you and it ended in March of 2012. Hated receiving unemployment! Merited or not; truly sucked. Probably sparked my (now raging) depression. Note to self: Apply for disability. I know you were “sick” during that time, note the quotations but you had plenty of energy to sit in front of the computer day after day No, I don't. Every six hours, I need to take a nap. Information overload!) and could have taken a desk job somewhere, but you chose not to. Um -- like where? I applied to a ridiculous number of jobs! And besides, It would not have been worth the gas to work somewhere for minimum-wage -- or the blow to my ego!(Wink-wink!) You told me once that you would never work for anyone again, but only work for yourself. I wish! That was just in frustration. Jobs, I suggested, were tossed aside as if they were beneath you. (And I have often and honestly asserted that I would be happy cleaning up after zoo animals (But only if it meant additional, however minimal, interaction with the animals themselves -- not just their poop. I really would! So, "no;" I don't find anything "beneath me," not socially -- only emotionally, or creatively... so-far as it doesn't stifle or impugn my imagination or glorious spirit -- either of which I wholeheartedly refuse to tarnish or diminish. I love working hard!) You stated that you applied for over 200 jobs in the last year but it seemed like you weren't applying yourself to ones you could have gotten. Somewhat, true. My love for you turned into resentment, and resentment turned to anger and finally into bitterness. What a kind and loving wife! It came to the point where I would find the little things within your personality and actions that bothered me; making the things I saw tear you apart in my mind and my heart. Yeah? Well I spent 8 years having to be woken up 20 times a night by big-Joey-the-longshoreman, uber-decibel-level snoring for 8 years!! My God! From a tractor idling next to me, to a sudden silence when you wouldn't take the next breath -- which would seize-up my heart with fear from even a semi-conscious state! So you're not the only one that dealt with "little-things." (I suspect you refer to my exceedingly efficient salivary glands resulting in my excessively audible mastication.) My problem wasn't just about the money any longer, although it is a huge part of it, but it was about your acceptance and contentment in your lifestyle.
I was and am tired of your rude comments. The "rude" comments are a perfect example of these "little things" you became accustomed to distorting so you could justify (rationalize) your growing (selfish) resentments. These were 70% - 85% imagined!
Well, the comments themselves were real -- but they were meant to be good natured jibes or minor teasing, never outright slurs or attacks. (Well, almost never.) This is one of your more glaring (false) excuses/rationalizations for giving up on a challenging marriage (and Sacramental obligation) in what is way-too-broad an array of them. You see them as only NY language but they are hurtful. I bring it to your attention and you refuse to change. I (re)assert that if there is minimal (if any) true negative intent behind the words -- that the person who is instilling or perceiving the negativity (or hurtful) aspect to the words, is more at fault -- than the dim-witted (obliviously, insensitive) individual who spoke them, failing to realizing how their tone might be misconstrued. How can someone you love tell you to not use words to hurt, when you know it bothers them, yet you continue to because it is just you? You see nothing wrong with the way you speak to include cursing and negativity, fuckin'a! and are very vicious with your tongue.(Fucking bull-shit!) You make negative comments and when I get upset you tell me you are kidding or act like you have no clue why I am angry. I usually don't. Your tongue is a cutting sword for me Crystal, you have deep seeded emotional issues that stem from an alcoholic and verbally-abusive Father -- If I say something like "Didn't you see that, there?! In a raised voice. Or "duh" or "It's pretty obvious if you'd use your head." you are hearing exactly the same thing each time: "Stupid-bitch!" Additionally, and I assume tied to your deep-seeded insecurities, if I say something like "That's like three bowls of cereal, not one, in your bowl!" You hear: "Fat bitch!") and you tell me, that it is my problem as I choose to interpret your words as negative. They are negative. Not really, more like being insensitive to your "issues." Not that this is alright -- I feel badly about it -- I apologize. You have cut Chris and me with your words and after a while, the words “I am sorry” isn’t enough. (Doh!) Just more nitpicking! You must know I adore you -- as I show you repeatedly in all the little things I do for you day-in/day-out why nit-pick about my stupid, joking, sarcasms. I felt the joy I had always held, even the fake joy that I showed to everyone; slowly seeping out of me and that I have become someone I don’t even know any more. People note it too. It is sad when your best friend has an intervention with you and says “What has happened to you?” “What are you feeling?” and “What have you become?” He told me then, whatever it is that is causing this, you need to break free of it, because you are no longer happy and no longer joyous. You are a shell of who you were and even with the youth you have lost your edge. Buttinskies! I think they convinced you of this. Sure you were in an emotional valley but does kicking the one person in the world you are supposed to stand beside (no matter what) when they're down themselves (at their lowest as a matter of fact) and who have absolutely no one else to turn to, make you feel better? Maybe it will... but such an "ill gotten" quick-fix -- can't possibly be beneficial (mentally or spiritually) in the long run. Then again, I'm just angry and it might be the exact right solution. All I do care about (in regards to our union's dissolution) is that you are eventually happy.
Well, the comments themselves were real -- but they were meant to be good natured jibes or minor teasing, never outright slurs or attacks. (Well, almost never.) This is one of your more glaring (false) excuses/rationalizations for giving up on a challenging marriage (and Sacramental obligation) in what is way-too-broad an array of them. You see them as only NY language but they are hurtful. I bring it to your attention and you refuse to change. I (re)assert that if there is minimal (if any) true negative intent behind the words -- that the person who is instilling or perceiving the negativity (or hurtful) aspect to the words, is more at fault -- than the dim-witted (obliviously, insensitive) individual who spoke them, failing to realizing how their tone might be misconstrued. How can someone you love tell you to not use words to hurt, when you know it bothers them, yet you continue to because it is just you? You see nothing wrong with the way you speak to include cursing and negativity, fuckin'a! and are very vicious with your tongue.(Fucking bull-shit!) You make negative comments and when I get upset you tell me you are kidding or act like you have no clue why I am angry. I usually don't. Your tongue is a cutting sword for me Crystal, you have deep seeded emotional issues that stem from an alcoholic and verbally-abusive Father -- If I say something like "Didn't you see that, there?! In a raised voice. Or "duh" or "It's pretty obvious if you'd use your head." you are hearing exactly the same thing each time: "Stupid-bitch!" Additionally, and I assume tied to your deep-seeded insecurities, if I say something like "That's like three bowls of cereal, not one, in your bowl!" You hear: "Fat bitch!") and you tell me, that it is my problem as I choose to interpret your words as negative. They are negative. Not really, more like being insensitive to your "issues." Not that this is alright -- I feel badly about it -- I apologize. You have cut Chris and me with your words and after a while, the words “I am sorry” isn’t enough. (Doh!) Just more nitpicking! You must know I adore you -- as I show you repeatedly in all the little things I do for you day-in/day-out why nit-pick about my stupid, joking, sarcasms. I felt the joy I had always held, even the fake joy that I showed to everyone; slowly seeping out of me and that I have become someone I don’t even know any more. People note it too. It is sad when your best friend has an intervention with you and says “What has happened to you?” “What are you feeling?” and “What have you become?” He told me then, whatever it is that is causing this, you need to break free of it, because you are no longer happy and no longer joyous. You are a shell of who you were and even with the youth you have lost your edge. Buttinskies! I think they convinced you of this. Sure you were in an emotional valley but does kicking the one person in the world you are supposed to stand beside (no matter what) when they're down themselves (at their lowest as a matter of fact) and who have absolutely no one else to turn to, make you feel better? Maybe it will... but such an "ill gotten" quick-fix -- can't possibly be beneficial (mentally or spiritually) in the long run. Then again, I'm just angry and it might be the exact right solution. All I do care about (in regards to our union's dissolution) is that you are eventually happy.
This night broke me once again because I knew he was right. I was a fragment of who we were when we met. I used to laugh a lot, tell jokes, act up, be silly, do crazy things, and when I realized it, I thought I haven’t done any of that in a very long time and I believe it has been several years in the coming. I realized that I have to find me once again or I was going become a miserable, self hating person. Just wait! Someday you'll "snap out of it " and realize how truly, cruel, hateful and short-sighted -- you really were. You chose being miserable over seeing the good and striving to make it work through God's love for us, both independently and as a sacramentally united ouple. I don’t want us to grow to hate one another by tearing one another apart. I still love you and look at you as my friend, but I am no longer in love with you. I'll say it again...what are you 15?! I don’t even love myself for that matter. I don’t want to be a ticket taker and tear you apart with my actions and words and I don’t want the same from you, but that is all we seem to do anymore. You bring up things from the past constantly. You just can’t let anything go and have to always have the last word or be right in every situation or conversation. I never argue -- I am forcefully explaining how I am right! You say it is 75% me and 25% you that is causing this problem between us. Maybe 70% - 30%... no, o.k. 75/25 is probably correct.) I don’t see that, but I won’t argue the point for what good will it do me. I have to put myself first now, I have to stop being the enabler for you, for that is who I have become, and it is time that I stop worrying about you and fix me. You never worried about me enough -- obviously. Well, too late now!
So, no; if you think that my wanting out of our marriage is about a night with non-seasoned chicken and my not knowing how to cook, or clean, or sew, or iron,) or hormones from going through life changes, it isn’t my parents, or money, or anything like that. I have prayed to God so many times to show me the way, to fix us or to help us. He made me realize when I was in Orlando this past fall that I am a wounded healer. Too bad you never made the slightest effort to help heal me. Think about it? Did you? I have to think of me…even if it means being selfish and letting you go. "Selfish" is quite the understatement, don't you think? Not that I haven't been guilty of it to a similar degree. I don’t do this because I am mean or a monster, as you remind me regularly now, it is because if I don’t fix me, I will become a shell of the person I was. I want to return to the woman I was, not the one that I have become. Alright -- good luck with that.
We have been in therapy now for over a year and a half and it hasn’t changed anything. You are happy with who you are, you have told me that. Except my current weight and general lack of direction -- yes, I am. I am not happy with either of us. I know you place part of the blame on Dr. Fairbanks, but he isn’t the “brainwasher” you think he is; he just listens to me. He's a dork.(and that coming from me!) He was supposed to be our marriage counselor -- we were supposed to be seeing him together. He failed miserably when he sent me to Moreland after three months -- yes, I know why he did --but a month and a half later I could have/should/have returned.) I am asking you as someone you love to let me go, to let me grow and to allow me the chance to heal my brokenness. I don’t know how long this will take, and I don’t know if I will ever return to whom I was, but I do know one thing for sure…we are unequally yoked as your mother told me 11 years ago. I didn’t want to see the red flags, it's all you see! I was in love with the idea of being married, and I am simply not happy. O.M.G. This is 10 years of our lives you're tossing!! 10 years of enduring that monster-snoring! And Chris (monster-human)! For what?!?! I thought it was for Love -- just to be there for you when you needed me -- and you have nee--- ,, never-mind, if you can't see these things, only seeing the negative... then you don't actually deserve all the good that you are tossing anyway.
I haven’t been for a long time. You tell me that God is angry with me and I am turning my back on my faith, and I tell you that is between me and God. Screw the Church is what you're saying! "Between you and God" is one thing; but what about "you and your Church?" (Hey, don't worry 'bout it ...The Body of Christ is quite used to being wounded! Heh..!) and He knows how I feel inside and how I am struggling. I realize I can’t change who you are and really I shouldn't want to or have to. You are a good person, you have a good heart, and I hope that you find the happiness you deserve. You are quite pathetic. You accused me of being immature (and yes, I am) but I am the one who always tried (up to a point...) I massaged your feet and drew your baths and cleaned the house and took care of Chris and the pets, endured your constantly being gone -- and orchestrated our nightly entertainments (all, pretty darn perfectly I might add!) -- All, so you would be comfortable... but I guess still not "happy." Alright I'll go. Your loss.
I haven’t been for a long time. You tell me that God is angry with me and I am turning my back on my faith, and I tell you that is between me and God. Screw the Church is what you're saying! "Between you and God" is one thing; but what about "you and your Church?" (Hey, don't worry 'bout it ...The Body of Christ is quite used to being wounded! Heh..!) and He knows how I feel inside and how I am struggling. I realize I can’t change who you are and really I shouldn't want to or have to. You are a good person, you have a good heart, and I hope that you find the happiness you deserve. You are quite pathetic. You accused me of being immature (and yes, I am) but I am the one who always tried (up to a point...) I massaged your feet and drew your baths and cleaned the house and took care of Chris and the pets, endured your constantly being gone -- and orchestrated our nightly entertainments (all, pretty darn perfectly I might add!) -- All, so you would be comfortable... but I guess still not "happy." Alright I'll go. Your loss.
I just know in my heart that the happiness you desire won’t be found in me. My happiness is you! Hmmm... maybe that's my problem! We could easily tear each other apart by picking at each other’s faults, but what good would that do, other than hurting each other more. We both have things that we don’t like about each other, this is a fact and I don’t want to go into all of them. I don’t think it is necessary at this point. What did you just spend 10 pages doing?! Duh! (Oh, how rude!)
I am sorry. Sorry for the many times I hurt you, sorry for the times I let you down or didn’t make you feel loved. I pray that in time you will feel joyous too (too? I am joyous! You are the one that sounds miserable! (I would be too if I just up and turned my back on a Sacrament of God, and my husband.) and that you will find someone to love you as you deserve to be loved…unconditionally, because obviously I can’t be that person for you. Great! So it took you 10 years to figure this out? Ummm -- thanks? "Sorry" completely covers it! Only one of my 8 God-given decades... no prob...
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