Our marriage became routine. (I think that is beautiful. Nothing wrong with routine. I equate that to "safety and security." Though I could be wrong... ) I usually felt as if I was your roommate or your mother most of the time, not your wife, but I always I felt like your friend. Even when things started to crumble I enjoyed your friendship even though I worried that I was your only friend and you seemed ok with this. (Sure, a friend requires a lot of energy and you were much more than my only friend -- you were my wife, my soul-companion.) It made me worry, because I knew you needed other people. I introduced you and tried to integrate you into my friendships, but that really didn’t work either. You were happy with just me and the dog. (Let me tell you about our "friends"... As it turns out, I was correct -- finally! (I expect "finally," shall elicit a more sympathetic reaction than "as usual.") Seemingly the best group of people in the world; however, when the chips are down, this veneer of respectability and righteousness crumbles straight-away. I have found this to be the case with many a "holly-roller." I did nothing to impugn the sanctity of our relationship, like hitting you or having an affair. It was your decision to divorce me (what took you so long?) Did any of these "guys" that are supposed to be my "friends" bother to pick-up (pull-out) a phone and see how I'm doing or what my plans are? I strive to be 100% genuine at all times. How could you expect me to integrate? I say what I mean and mean what I say -- except, when I'm being sarcastic; then all bets are off... and even that is just a temporary (pseudo) state reserved for humorous effect. I know you hated your job at Gulf Breeze Ford, And yet: I still made "Salesman of the Year" every year I was eligible! but for me, you seemed at your happiest. I felt our marriage was at its best. You were proud of your accomplishments, thrived in the competition, had friends to talk to and hang out with and had great money coming in for us to live and play on. Things were good. But you said you were miserable, and they closed the business and things started to truly fall apart for us. (All in your mind -- I think things got inestimably better -- just less "play" money.) The first unemployment time came. For 18 months (13 months -- and it wasn't my fault -- I tried working remember? The recession hit and work became hard to find. Here, she conveniently forgets that I was coming off of 6 years of working 60 hour work weeks ) I felt jealous that you didn’t have to go to work. (My god -- why would you be jealous?! If I could do what you do -- influencing all those lives by bringing a deeper understanding and appreciation for their faith -- I would be in heaven -- or at least I might have a better chance of getting there.) The unemployment checks were ok, but not enough to really live on. (How embarrassing! I never wanted to receive unemployment -- and if they hadn't tried to steal my fairly earned money at Hill Kelly -- I never would have needed to! ) We didn’t really save anything from the “good times” to take care of the bad times and we threw ourselves into a financial nightmare. (Total exaggeration. No house or vehicle payments, a trip to Spain-- yeah, what a nightmare! She went to Ireland too, with Chris!) (We were virtually living by credit cards. We weren't really curbing our spending and we were digging a hole that made me feel insecure and desperate. When your father passed away and we got our first settlement, we were $26000 in debt with credit cards. (Uh yeah --I think I brought in about 30 grand then...) I thought with his passing and the settlement we would never see ourselves in this type of debt again. (All gone! Poof! The debt I mean...)
The red flag should have been the fact that I knew when you worked in NY that you didn’t work consistently. (Uh, I worked nearly non-stop. It was very consistent -- I had those two waiting gigs for the East side and Mid-town Chabads -- for three cosecutive years and worked nearly all of Moishe's and Gita's gigs both, for 5 years and even had two steady Restaurant positions, So Boo-yah! And don't forget -- this was in one of the most physically demanding professions known to modern society ... a catering waiter.) You worked when you needed money and when you wanted to. You didn’t punch a clock and you didn’t take being “managed” by anyone well. How then, my ex-dear do you explain the proceeding 6 and a 1/2 years of 50-60 hour, work weeks? I knew this from your tax statements I saw when we first got married that there would be years on your social security statements with a zero on them when it came to income. (Cash industry!) You came into our marriage with student loans, unpaid debts that you never intended to pay off (although I paid them anyway) and a horrible credit score. (Bad credit score.) You went from being taken care of by your mother Yeah, until I was 18 and then to being taken care of by me. If me bringing in over $300,000 dollars in our 10 years together is being taken care of by you then -- good job! Check the I.R.S. records. If you are going to make up stuff because you are feeling wholly inadequate and petty or guilty for ditching a Sacramental obligation for totally selfish reasons than at least try to come up with something factual! I We! paid the bills, the loan and cleaned up your credit rating to put you back on track. I knew before our marriage that we were raised differently too. You came from a household that never really had to struggle, other than with your parents marriage and their final break up even though they still lived together and got along better divorced than they did married. I never really understood their relationship of living together, but living separate lives. You came from the idea that if you bought something; you always bought the best because it would last. And I am sooooo right! But more importantly than lasting, although that is important, it is better (easier to operate and better results) the entire time you're using it too! Money didn't hold any importance for you and it still doesn't Money meant only fun or convenience for you and still seems to.
I came from a family that truly struggled as I was growing up. (And in your mind you somehow equate this with virtue? Nah. In fact -- your sense of "value" got totally "effed"-up. I place value in all the things you can't see or touch -- you in things material.) I was raised on yard sales and thrift shops. Living in a trailer and sharing a room with my brothers. I was taught at a very young age that you saved for what you truly wanted and if you couldn't afford it, you didn't buy it. I was a saver and money was of high value to me. Money meant security for me and still does. I don’t need a ton of it, but I need to feel that all my debt is paid each month. I need that sense of security in my life. You tell me how the country is in trillions of dollars of debt to reassure me that debt is expected, but I wasn't raised that way. I don’t care about the country's debt, I care about ours. I want to be debt free each month with nothing looming over my head. Debt is a costly illusion -- and a cheap date. (I have no idea what I mean by that!)
You have stated that I only live for the day and you think for the future. I certainly never said I think of the future -- I have been known to say: Future/Smuture!" Poor, confused-thing; look what I did to her! She used to be lucid. I live for today, but recognize my own limitations and as I have told you many times before, I don’t want to be a 63 year old youth minister retiring finally because I can’t keep up. Already I feel my limitations although my ministry is as important to me as it was when I first started youth ministry 17 years ago. The youth make me feel alive.
You live with ideas of things that will make you famous, happy, or wealthy and if they don’t happen, you are ok with that or so it appears. Sure I am -- and incidentally I couldn't care less about "fame" -- that's one of my most defining, "core" principles -- fame is entirely valueless -- producing quality art -- that's important. And , no I haven't even tried since I met you. Except in my lifestyle. -- I can’t count how many times you have said “I could be a millionaire tomorrow if I chose to” exactly that -- I never said "exactly that" but close-enough; I have said: "I probably have a million dollars in poems and stories right here." (And I probably do -- If I bothered to get them published. ) because of your writings or business ventures, but you don’t apply yourself to do it. No, I do not.. all is death and thievery! (Ha! How absurdly inane!) You blame me because you don’t write anymore and that I seem to be the crutch you place the blame on. You simply stopped writing because you weren’t interested anymore. Yeah, that's obviously true -- how can you not be "interested anymore" in (probably) the one thing you were put on this earth to do. For years you had to opportunity to write and chose not to, it wasn’t about me or because of me. Uh, that's true -- (I never claimed it was because of you. I just stopped doing it while we were dating or married. Seriously, you have never come close to understanding the artistic temperament -- or "art" for that matter... totally beyond you. (Not to be mean -- just not in your nature.) I believe the apt rhetorical description is "philistinism." Aren't you the one who has repeatedly stated that you prefer being ignorant and "happy?" (Even though you say you haven't been "happy" for awhile... so, how's "ignorance" working-out for you?) Well I prefer being informed and happy. (And by the way -- being unhappy is a conscious choice -- I believe happiness is our natural (God given) state (how can we not be happy when there is a God that loves us so much!!) and obviously, you need to remind yourself of this.) You say that I bury myself in my work and that is true. It is where I find joy. Then why be "jealous" of my not working? I know that my expectations or needs are not being fulfilled in our home and this is where I can find a substitute to fill them as much as I can. Through the many adventures, outpouring of love from the teens and the stories of their equal brokenness I find peace. I know this isn’t filling your needs or even addressing them, but I don’t know how to fix what is broken in you let alone understand it. This is going to take some time and effort to address -- neither of which I am willing or capable of giving at this moment I'm tapped out. Suffice it to say, you are correct: I am broken.
End of Part 4
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